Advice columnist for The Monthly Uterus and film critic for The New England Journal of Anger, noted expert on dating behavior Ab'gail Dykeman deconstructs the year's top ten films in three important categories.

Films for Women (Chick Flicks)

1. The Hours - Three women in different eras mope tastefully, remembering girls they have kissed. Meanwhile, a poet in love with Meryl Streep kills himself rather than watch her nuzzle the President's press secretary at dinner.

2. Gangs of New York - A woman survives a botched abortion, a life of crime, a knife-throwing boyfriend and the beginning of the Civil War. Reluctantly, she agrees to date the last single man left alive in New York City.

3. Roger Dodger -During one long night in Manhattan a man is totally humiliated by every woman he tries to date including his boss, a hooker, a comatose drunk -- even Elizabeth Berkley.

4. Chicago - An extended musical meditation on women who kill men. As a bonus, one of them also offs her date-stealing sister.

Films for Men (Dick Flicks)

5. Lord of the Rings - Thousands of males representing hundreds of species vie for a dubious piece of costume jewelry. Meanwhile a beautiful elf queen moves to California to avoid dating a guy who has not washed his hair since last year.

6. The Quiet American - Two seemingly intelligent men betray each other, several nations, and themselves, all for some girl from Oriental Outcall.

7. Talk To Her - Two men date women in comas and still manage to be totally 'whipped.

8. Adaptation - One actor plays two unappealing brothers, both in love with Meryl Streep. She opts for sex with a toothless redneck rather than date either of them. The President's press secretary evidently was not available.

9. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone - An adolescent boy with glasses is pursued by a variety of British men.

Mixed Flicks (Fun for the Entire Family)

10. The Pianist - A piano player's dysfunctional family - every one of them cranky, hyperactive and loud - all meet brutal, violent deaths in this highly satisfying cinematic answer to The Corrections. The girl he used to date married a Nazi.

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