So what's the worst that can happen? War? Terrorists? Cancer? Finding out your husband has hired Raoul Felder? Personally, I think the list should include brunch.

Some friends from England called me last Sunday morning. They wanted brunch. I'd forgotten to turn off the ringer on the phone. Since they put me up in London last winter, I couldn't say no and I'd have to pay. Worse, I had to find a really good brunch place on a Sunday morning from a standing start with no reservations.

Ten hours later I was back in my apartment, my head still ringing from the dressing down I got from the maitre 'd, my stomach rebelling against something ghastly called Canadian bacon. My feet had blisters the size of Central Park. My credit card was maxed out. I was going to have to get a second mortgage on my coop to pay the bill from Sarabeth's.

I started thinking about the incredible fuss we make in this City about out of town visitors. We get into these intense competitions to get and please vast quantities of the most hellish out of towners - like the Chiropractors Association or the Republican Convention or the Olympics. And they probably all want brunch.

Suddenly I realized that I had stumbled on an entirely new Olympic game. The New York Brunch Triathalon.

Here are the events:

1. Taxi Sprint

2. Line Jumping with Hurdles (no reservations, snotty Maitre d', high prices)

3. Marathon Wait for Service

Each event tests ancillary skills such as Insult Hurling and Social Climbing. And everything has to be accomplished while consuming large quantities of hollandaise sauce.

I have submitted my idea to the New York Convention and Visitors Bureau. In response to overwhelming popular demand, this new game will be added to the next New York Olympics. It is our own unique contribution to the world's most grueling marathon endurance events.The New York Brunch.

I, of course, won't be competing. I like to sleep until noon. If I go out for an event, we'll have to call it Lupper.

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