Frank Sinatra, old blue eyes, Francis Albert Sinatra, the Chairman of the Board, Frankie Boy, (Slap! Snap out of it).

Frank Sinatra first retired in 1971 at the age of 55. It was a dignified step for a great American icon.

Then Frank made a comeback, retired again, made a comeback, retired again, made a--- you get the idea. The songs stayed the same but got new arrangements to accomodate his older voice and shrinking range.

Then there was a grim televised tribute for his 80th birthday, during which hundreds of celebrities publicly begged him never to sing again. Then he died.

Now, Frank is preparing for a record for release sometime in the next decade. Let's take a look at the latest and last (he means it this time) album...

FRANK SINATRA'S REALLY, REALLY FINAL
COMEBACK ALBUM

Count Basie's great-great-great-grandson conducts Nelson Riddle's Niece's Daughter's Cousin's Orchestra. With inimitable panache and frequent bathroom breaks, Frank sings these new versions of a dozen beloved old standards:

1. Wheelchairs in the Night

2. I Can’t Dance (Don’t Ask Me)

3. The Lady is a Nurse

She gets too hungry for lunch on a tray
She holds a needle in her own kinky way
She never bothers with bed pans per se
That's why the lady is a nurse.

4. I Got Plenty O' Polident

5. It Was a Very Good B.M.

6. My Kind of Gown (It Ties in Back), My Kind of Gown

7. I Wish I Weren't Incontinent

8. I've Turned Blue Under My Skin

9. Sirens in the Night

10. Send in the Shroud

11. Fly Me to the Tomb

Fly me to the tomb and let me play among the worms.
Let me see what death is like, bacteria and germs.
In other words, hold my wake.
In other words, darling, plant me.

12. My Grave

And so, the end is here, and so I face the final headstone.
I dug it, my grave.

*** Watch for Frank singing "I Guess I’ll Have To Change My Pants" on MTV Unplugged. (Really unplugged.) Eventually.

Frank Sinatra has been one of the most enduring of American performers. Despite aggressive tendencies, domestic violence, Mob ties, several murders and that horse's head in the bed thing, Sinatra remains beloved. His songs haven't changed since he began singing them nearly seventy years ago. We can't help wondering what it would be like if Frank were a young man just starting his career today.

IF FRANK WERE YOUNG... FRANK SINATRA'S NEW DEBUT ALBUM

VERY FRANK: SONGS FOR THE 1990'S

Backed by Bono and the Edge and accompanied by the Metallica orchestra, young Frank Sinatra will make these dozen songs new standards...

1. I Got Tattoos Under My Skin

2. The Way You Took That Bike

The way you took that bike,
The way you snort your drugs,
The way you puke at night,
No, no, they can’t put you away, you thug.

3. At Long Last Sex

4. Stalkers in the Night

5. The Lady Has To Hump

She gets too hungry to risk oral sex
She loves devices, concave or convex
She loves his penis, she calls it T.Rex
That's why the lady has to hump.

6. I Wish I Were On Top Of You

7. Fight and Lay (You Are the One)

8. Nice Drug If You Can Get It (And If You Get It, Tell Me How)

9. Nancy (With the Laughing Lawyer)

10. All Or No Piercings At All

11. I Won't Hurl (Don’t Ask Me)

12. My AIDS

Bonus track: Frank sings a catchy tune he wrote especially for the lead singer of his favorite group, Hole: Love and Overdosage