This just in.

Frustrated in his efforts to invade Iraq, President George Bush announced today that the US would launch a preemptive strike on the Vatican as early as next week.

In a speech to the nation, Bush characterized the Holy See as a small, secretive state led by a robed religious fanatic. He warned that the pope was capable of rallying hundreds of thousands of followers around the world.

"This is a regime that has something to hide from the civilized world," said the President. "We don't know for sure that they have nukes. Yet. So far, they have resisted our attempts to inspect them for illicit arms."

Papal spokesman Nuncio DeNuncio responded, "What arms? Is he crazy? We have paintings. And a few good sculptures. Pay the museum entrance fee and inspect away, pal."

White House sources say the President has been stung by criticism from Rome of his war efforts and is looking for an easy target. Ignoring top military strategists who are wary of the Swiss Guards, the President plans to take his case to the UN.

In the meantime, Bush called for the support of the American people in his most impassioned address to date. "We don't know what he's hiding over there. Weapons of mass destruction. Germ warfare. Little boys. I don't know. But the price of indifference would be catastrophic."

Speaking from a balcony over St. Peter's square, the ailing but still decisive pontiff denied all charges. "That little boys thing is a cheap shot. You want to fight. I say, bring it, Bush-man."

Meanwhile, negotiations are underway to set up a staging area in Monaco. The seventh fleet has been reassigned to Lake Como.

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